The breaking point:
After years of dealing with a clique of mean girls on and off again, my daughter Bee has finally reached the point of no return. She is a senior in high school and has had the unfortunate experience of being targeted and ostracized by this unpleasant group of girls.
Why was my daughter targeted?
Simple. She’s not a follower. She is very confident. She is not a passive bystander. She takes corrective action when needed to right a wrong. These are not qualities valued by cliques.
Here is the final bit of drama that capped off Bee’s senior year:
Bee’s group of girls became friendly with a group of boys from another school. One of the boys is very wealthy and offered his large beach house free of charge to the girls for senior beach week. The boys, of course, would get to go with them.
This boy asked Bee to his school’s prom (she said yes), but he soon began ignoring her and being rude to her. Bee decided she didn’t want to go to prom with him because she felt like she was being used, both by her friends and by the guy. Her friends were desperate for her to keep the date so they wouldn’t lose out on the beach house and the guy wanted to go to prom with a pretty girl. After over a week of him not texting or contacting her, she finally told him that she did not want to go. He was sad, but accepted it.
This would have been the end of it had it not been for the large group chat with 20 people between their two groups. The boys started subtly laying into Bee by texting about her in this chat. They later became bolder and continuously referred to her as “Butch Bee” and other assorted names. Bee decided not to respond because she knew they only wanted to make her mad.
The worst part for her was not having any of her supposed friends stand up for her or even text her privately to make sure she was ok. They didn’t care about her more than the free beach week house and it was suddenly very clear.
Bee decided not to go to her own school’s prom which she would have attended with this group of girls. In the process, she lost all of her friends who weren’t really friends at all, and is now awaiting graduation when she never has to see these hateful, mean girls again.
The main cast of characters involved in Bee’s senior year drama:
(Names have all been changed)
The Ringleader: Zoe
Bee’s Violation: My daughter called Zoe out on the drama she was causing within the group. This drama included twitter fights, subtweets, ostracizing various members of the group, backstabbing and gossip.
The Punishment: Zoe launched a string of attacks using various tactics before fully and finally freezing her out of the group.
Methods: There is power in the pack and Zoe never worked alone. She lined up her followers, planned her attack and marched forward knowing that there would be strength in numbers.
Weapons: Twitter, Instagram, group texts and ostracism
- Twitterwas used to spread rumors, say unkind things and generally fuel the fires of Bee’s refusal to toe the clique’s line.
- Actual tweet: Definitely not excited about econ with the real bitch. And it’s funny how you say you hate drama, but you always start it, hypocrite.
- Instagram was used to upload fun pictures of the group doing things together without Bee.
- Group texts were used to chat about plans the group was making for fun events together. If they were out bowling together, they could group text while there making it obvious that not everyone had been invited. It was also used as a way to subtly (or not so subtly) talk about other her while she was right there.
- Ostracism is pretty obvious, but was heavily used by Zoe. She planned sleepovers, picnics, and other events excluding Bee. Most of the time my daughter found out via social media that she had been left out. On two occasions, Zoe told her point blank that she was not invited.
Second in Command: Lena
Role: Lena is the off and on again best friend of Zoe. She feeds Zoe information about other group members (true or not true), which often causes drama to start. People in the group are annoyed by and afraid of Lena. She holds a lot of power.
Bee’s Violation: Lena and my daughter have never gotten along very well. Bee thinks she is mean and often calls her out on her cattiness. Obviously this does not go over well.
Methods: One way Lena backs Zoe up is by starting fake twitter fights with her. This stirs up drama within the group and is a great way to test the loyalty of members. Zoe and Lena think it’s funny to watch people text both of them with empathetic, ‘idiotic’ texts in the aftermath of the fake fights.
The Bystander: Roxie
Role: One of my daughter’s best friends throughout high school and also a member of the clique.
Bee’s Violation: Getting on the wrong side of the clique’s leader, thus endangering Roxie’s standing within the group.
Methods: Roxie has no courage. She watches silently from the sidelines and never takes a stand when she sees her friend being mistreated. If there is a get together and Bee is left out, Roxie will choose the clique every time. When negative group texts are sent, Roxie doesn’t participate in the negativity, but she won’t stand up for Bee either.
The Damage: By passively accepting the actions of the clique, members of the group feel validated since Bee’s trusted friend isn’t willing to stand up for her.
The Henchmen: The Rest of the Girls in the Clique
Role: Followers. These girls do whatever the leader expects of them. They are friendly when it’s ok with Zoe and freeze Bee out when the word is given.
Dealing with this nasty pack and others throughout high school has been character building for Bee, but of course, the experience has not been without pain. This last push by Zoe and her group has been irritating, uncomfortable and hurtful.
Here are some of the ways Bee has shown grace, courage, and intelligence in dealing with the meanies:
- Don’t retaliate. Bee has not resorted to the same tactics as these girls. I’ve asked her why and she doesn’t think it would change her situation. Additionally, it would make her feel bad about herself to spread rumors, gossip, or get into twitter fights with these girls.
- Be proud of who you are. Remain confident despite backstabbing and gossip. Their words don’t define you, only them. Bee remains one of the most confident people I know.
- Don’t keep it bottled up inside. Bee has been very open about her difficulties with this group of girls. She hates advice, but loves to be listened to.
- Get some new friends. Bee is very much looking forward to July 2, the day she signs in to West Point. She knows there will be mean girls and cliques there, but looks forward to a fresh start.
- Practice compassion. Bee actually says nice things about these girls sometimes. She feels sorry for them because many of them are trapped in this clique or have low self-esteem. This empathy she displays has helped her cope with her situation.
I’m very proud of Bee for the way in which she has dealt with this lousy cast of characters. I’m certain that the future will bring her close friends who will love, appreciate, and protect her.